


Who's that Girl?

by AlexanderTemple



Category: Madonna - Fandom
Genre: Ageism, Celebrities, Ciccone, Comeback, Fame, Family, Famous, Madonna - Freeform, Memories, Music, Old Age, Pop - Freeform, mother - Freeform, music industry, queen of pop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25525666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderTemple/pseuds/AlexanderTemple
Summary: Madonna sold more albums than any other female artist. She had just as many hits as the Beatles or Elvis. She is now 61 and still thinks she has a lot to give. The problem is she is getting old and cannot accept this. The public also thinks Madonna is old and new popstars now dominate the Charts.This is a fictitious story of Madonna's struggle on getting old and finding her place in the music industry today.





	1. Looking in the mirror

**Disclaimer:**

This is a fanfiction story using Madonna as the Main Character. This is not a true account of things that have happened. Some things are based on comments she made in the past, gossip, and what fans think. The important thing is to my knowledge, none of this has happened.

The story was written to explore our role in society and acceptance that things change because we get older or the world changes

**1\. Looking in the mirror**

I threw down the newspaper. A singer from X-factor told the press that my last album was weird and a mess. This singer said that I was once the Queen of Pop, and could not accept that my career was over. She even said that I was desperate and scary. I did not act my age, and still thought I could dress and act like I was 25!

The younger generation wanted to be stars overnight and thought that programs like X-factor and American idol would do this. Still how many could remember last year's winner? She has a nerve for being so harsh on me. What will she ever achieve? Most likely she would be forgotten in a few months. Achieving success means a lot of work and dedication. It means knowing the right people at the right time. This took me years to achieve. I was as ambitious as a young woman than I am now. However, I had to work my ass off for it!

I threw away the newspaper and sat down at my make-up table. I will be 62 soon and it is showing in so many ways! When I look in the mirror, it looks like I am a dying flower. It horrifies me now when I see myself. There seemed to be a new wrinkle every day. I just stared at myself. Creams used to help and then botox used to do wonders. Face-lifts also helped, but it all has been a fight against time. While the aging process was slow before, it has been a daily struggle. I now needed a miracle every time I wanted to go in public.

My son David came into me. He was a lively boy and always made me smile. In a way, he reminded me a lot about myself. He had a lot of ambition and wanted to be a soccer player. He was now a teen and his whole life was before him. The path he wanted to be on was long and hard. I am also sure he would go far. I would be there to cheer him on and support him. We sat on a small table in my room. The maid had already put a pot of tea there. This was a habit I picked up when I lived in England.

David asked me if being ambitious and determined a bad thing. This made me smile. I should be the last person to admit that ambition was wrong. I told him when I was a young woman, I told a journalist that my ambition was to rule the world. I wanted everyone to know my name. I told David that without determination and ambition, no one would know who Madonna was. I smiled as I told him not to worry about ambition and determination. Life was exciting. He could achieve what he wanted if he worked hard and tried to be the best.

I sure did feel old giving advice like that.

I wrote a note on what I needed to do that day. I have been doing since the start of my career. It helps me use the day to its full potential I would start by reading my mail, then doing business. I would exercise and spend some time with my children. I would party on occasions, although that is so hard during COVID times. There are so few hours of the day, and I like to be in control of all aspects.

My manager came and told me that he just had a meeting with the record company. My latest album sold less than my previous album. However, the small tour did well, grossing 51 million dollars. My manager reminded me that this is the 4th album that would be considered as a flop. He looked at me as if it was the end of the world.

I looked down at the statistics. I knew the Madam X album was very different from what I released before. It was experimental music that explored music from all over the world. It had a very Latin American sound. I knew the songs would not be played on the radio. This stopped bothering me long ago, I knew that many radio stations did not play my songs because they thought I was a relic from the past, The fact is Madam X was something very few people have tried. It was an experiment. It was fun.

The promotion could have been better. I released Medellin first. It did not even enter the charts. I think my fans wanted a song they could dance to. Things went very bad at the Eurovision song contest, where I sang out of tune. I was mad and so disappointed after. I was not mad at the media saying how bad the performance was or that It showed that I no longer should be there. I was mad at myself. I always want to give the best performance ever. The performance was one of the worse memories of my career and I knew how disappointed the fans were.

I went on tour to help sales of Madam X. This is something that turned out to be a nightmare. I decided to do small theaters because I wanted to be closer to the audience and give them a new experience. The tickets cost an average of 250 dollars! There were problems with the tickets. The worse thing was that I could feel the tour was killing me. I was in so much pain. This meant that I had to cancel shows and showed up 2 hours late at some shows. I value my fans and respect them a lot. The experiences of the Madam X tour upset many. I may have grossed 51 million dollars, but I did not like the fans that had such a bad experience. The fan's reaction was more important that Billboard saying it was one of the best tours of the year.

Yes, my fans mean so much to me. They have supported me through good times and bad times. I will be honest. I never expected to be the best selling female artist of all time. I know that I am not the best singer. There are so many singers out there that have a great voice, like Beyonce! When I first released an album, people were calling me a one-hit-wonder. They said I could not sing. Some even said that I slept my way to the top. It's not good enough if you are talented or not. You need to be in the right place at the right time. You need to know what is trendy. I may not have talent, but I had ambition and determination and worked my ass off to where I am now. However, do I need more talent so people would notice me now?

I looked out the window and remembered before I was famous. I came to New York with a few dollars. I was so excited. I was young and I had the world before me. I wanted to be a famous dancer. New York was the best place to be. I had a very bad start. I was starving and had no money. The worse thing was that I was raped. I never felt so alone and so vulnerable when this happened. I could have felt sorry for myself and went back However it showed me that I had to control my life. I worked my way up the ladder.

It was not easy. I was often hungry and had no money. I ended up taking erotic pictures and did this movie that was also very erotic. The pictures were decent enough. I did not do them to express something. I have done them so I could eat. This is what people forget. When I started my career, there was no x-factor or idol. I am not sure I would even have won those! The road was long and hard.

I was bought back to reality when I saw my daughter outside smoking a cigarette. I used to smoke before I had Lourdes. Then I quit them. I rushed out to Lourdes and gave her my speech about cigarettes. I knew she was now old enough to decide herself. The problem is that she would always be my firstborn, my little girl. I would always worry about her. Lourdes knew me so well, and my speech did not ignite her anger. She just reminded me that she was now old enough.

We sat on a bench and looked at nature. I knew I should be doing business or exercise, but I had to take every chance I could when Lourdes was here. In many ways, I envied my daughter. She had so much talent. She could model, act, sing, and dance. She already tried a fashion line and tried modeling. I am not biased because I am her mother, but I was confident she could be what she wanted. The only thing I worried about is that she has no drive in her.

Still, I was her mother and not her guidance counselor. She would have my support and she knew that I would always be at her back.

Lourdes told me that it was hard being my daughter. She had all the advantages of being my daughter as she grew up. She went to the best schools and had quality dance and music lessons. However, she thought I always was a huge shadow, at least my fame and image were. When she was a child, her friends knew who I was. Lourdes would be asked why I was so provocative. I still remember the day Lourdes asked was it true that I kissed Britney spears? Another time she asked if I did a sex book! Even today she often wonders if she was to be a celebrity star, would it be because of me? I could not say no. Having me as a mother could have its advantages and disadvantages, but in the long run, it will be because she has talent.

As I walked back to the house, I remembered when I really found out that I was famous. I released two albums “Madonna” and “Like a Virgin”. I was selling millions and millions of records and dominating the charts. It was not until I went on “The Like a Virgin” tour that I knew how famous I was. Girls would come to my concerts trying to look and dress like I was. They would scream and go hysteric. The media called this "Madonna mania", This was a surprise for me. After years struggling in New York, everyone now knew who I was. I was now a celebrity.

In a way, fame went to my head. I didn't really pay that much attention to the positive reviews but took the negative ones so seriously. Some considered me like Minnie mouse doing pop. Others said I was like a porn star doing pop. Many said that I was a one-hit-wonder. Cyndi Lauper was also new on the scene, and many said she had talent and would outlast me. All this made me more driven and I refused to be a one-hit-wonder. It also made me a bitch, so looking back at it, I was hard to be around.

I am not apologizing. Wanting to be in control is not a bad thing.

My manager was still hanging around. He asked me did I really want to do a concert DVD as I have done in the past. He reminded me that the last one totally flopped and was an embarrassment, only selling a few thousand. The Madam X Concert DVD would certainly also be an embarrassment and make the media think that my career was over.

I laughed and asked what does he expect me to do? Does he want me to die or fake my death?

I could see my manager thinking. I could not believe it

**_To be continued_ **


	2. A Legend

My manager did not want to release a concert DVD, because the last one was such an embarrassment. I told him that I wanted it released. Many of my fans had a bad experience during the concerts, so I felt that I needed to give them something back. I need to give them a memory that the show was a good one. I knew that the DVD would most likely be another embarrassment, but I always placed my fans first. I also understood that the record company wanted profits and things to be a success. My mind was made up. The memories on the Madam X tour would be sold on DVD. 

I was still in control of my career!

I was happy when the evening came. Today was a hard day for me. It's never easy to hear that your last album did not do well. It is not easy that everyone notices your age. 

The children came in to say goodnight. David asked me did I know Michael Jackson. I admitted that we actually dated a few times and went to an award show together. Micheal also wanted me to do a duet with me. The problem was that Micheal and I were very different. He was silent and always a gentleman, and childlike while I was.... well, a loud-mouthed bitch. Later it would be revealed that Micheal Jackson did not like me. He said that I was not a nice person. I do not know if this changed before he died. However, I think he was so talented and a genius that cared about the world we live in. 

It was time to go to bed. I looked in the mirror again and sighed. My eyes looked so old. They looked lifeless and stretched to the limits. I wondered why I could not accept aging gracefully. Think of the energy I used on trying to keep young. The fact was that old age would end up winning and there was no way I could stay young. I knew this was a fact, but I refused to accept it. 

That night I had a strange dream that made me wake up and stare in darkness. I died and could see the reaction after I died. The news exploded for a week and then died down again. It was not the coverage that Micheal Jackson had. I was old. People expected me to die soon. The record company released the greatest hits that did very well and they would do that in the future. 

So why was this a nightmare? The truth is I wanted my death to be noticed. I wanted my music to be remembered. People like Elvis and Micheal Jackson were legends after their death and they affect every new generation. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be a legend and my music would be kept alive. 

When I woke up, I was in another bad mood. I called the staff in my room and told them that my career was being destroyed. I shouted that I knew that the music industry could not accept a woman becoming old. However, there also have been bad decisions in the last few years. I told them that I could get better advice by reading my fans debate my career on the internet. I looked at them and asked them why I needed them?

My manager tried to cheer me up by saying that we had an invitation to sing at the big award show. I would be getting a lifetime achievement. This should have made me happy. However, lifetime awards were like an event where you looked back at a career. It was like saying there was no future. I accepted as it would give me attention in the newspaper and show people that I was not dead yet

Nothing much happened afterward. I worked on editing the Madam X DVD and spent some time with the young children. Two twins that are full of life. 

That night was very quiet. No business, no parties, and the children were in bed. I drank one glass of wine after another. I will admit that I was very tipsy. I put rosebuds all over my bed and went on Instagram. I was not so sure what I said. I just opened my heart for everyone to hear and then fell asleep. 

The next morning, I forgot all about Instagram. My publicist was the one that bought it to my attention. She said that it was not very well received. This confused me as I told her that I was just having an open session with my fans. I was letting them into my inner emotions and feelings. My publicist sighed and told me the common reaction was that I was an old pop star locked up in a mansion, that is totally out of contact with the normal person. 

I went in my Instagram and saw myself in a nearly see-through nightdress I had a glass of wine in my hands. It was obvious that I was drunk. 

"I just wanted to say hello to all of you." I said on Instagram, " I want to tell you that it is hard being Madonna. I have been hated by many throughout my life. I always considered myself an artist. However, every time i tried to express myself, people said it was too much. It would be fine if a man said it, but not a woman. As the years went by, I was criticized because I looked older. You know that radio stations refuse to play my new songs because I am too old. I am young in heart and feel there is yet so much to do. I do not want to retire as I feel the world needs to hear more about love and tolerance. So do not look at someone's wrinkles. They are still beautiful and can teach us a lot!"

The responses to this Instagram were very honest and harsh...  
... Are you still alive?  
... What can you tell us that is new? Your songs are always about sex or religion. We heard it all before.   
... Why can you not just accept that you are old? You had your time.   
... I liked Madonna's early songs. She is sounding more and more desperate now.   
... Madonna can't tell me anything. She complains while she is on a bed of roses in a huge mansion. She is totally out of touch with the normal person. See how much she charged for her latest tickets. Does she think that most people can afford this? Madonna lives in luxury while she has no clue what it is like to be poor. Life for many is not love and sex. It is survival.   
... This is so sad. Madonna was always an attention seeker and has not become wiser.  
... You are drunk. What happens when your children wake up. Oh, I forgot, they are probably in your trophy room being taken care of by a nanny. 

Have I lost track of the normal life that people have? I was always credited with knowing what was trendy and what was trendy below the surface. I was always praised that my music sounded new. As I got older, did I start to think that producers knew more than me? My last few records were criticized by me trying to sound like the younger pop stars. This hurt me to think about it. I can't lead if people think I am following. 

I shut down the computer. I did not have time to cry over the reactions. I had a show to plan. My staff thought I should sing "Like a Prayer". I reminded them of the Eurovision song contest and the fact I sang that song so many times at events like this. We made a compromise, that I would sing an "oldie" and something from Madam X. So I chose "Borderline" and "I rise".

My staff insisted that I lip-synced the songs. They argued that as a person grew older, their voice would need training as old age made the voice weaker. I told them no. I wanted a performance that the show would be spectacular, something people would talk about for weeks. I told them that the concept would be a fairytale. We would have holograms of fairies. Pink elephants, wizards, singing flowers, and everything magical. The effect would be very imaginative and something I did not try before. They still argued about lip-syncing, so I agreed to use an auto tuner. 

My publicist wanted to speak in private. She told me that I should consider what I wear. She argued that I was a legend, and many people looked up to me. I was a role model. I was now old and many people would be looking at how I dealt with being old. At the moment, many people thought I was desperate to look you again. She suggested that I did not wear a leotard, but something from the 50's glamour. The women in the 1950's did not dress in leotards and look like whores, they were very stylish and looked sexy. 

I tried not to get mad. What she was saying was that I was too old to be in a leotard. When did I ever conform to society's expectations and norms? Why can a person my age not dress as they wished? Society has so many restrictions and things have been better. However, older people still were discriminated against and had a lot of social barriers. 

The staff worked on the holograms, while I and some dancers worked on the dances. I was excited about the performance. 

I remembered back to the early days. People doubted my talent then. I proved them wrong. My first albums sold in the millions. I had little patience back then. I still have little patience. I wanted to do something new all the time. I did not want to repeat the same thing. Many singers had the same formula and their career was based on this. I, on the other hand, knew that there was so much inspiration in the underground music scene and the clubs. This is where I picked up on Vogue. It was a popular dance in gay clubs. I released a song based on this. "Vogue" caused a sensation and was one of the highlights of my career. 

After we practiced all afternoon for the show, Britney Spears visited me. We had some tea and sandwiches. I had a soft heart for Britney. She only had one wish and that was to find love. Her career was very promising however fame took its toll on her. We all saw how she cut all her hair off and was admitted into a mental institution. Since then, she did not control her life. Her dad was like a guardian. I told her she should work to get control of her life and only do things that make her happy. Fame was not everything. Britney knew me so well and responded that I was obsessed with the fame and the attention it gave. She asked me why was I still trying to prove that I deserved success. 

This made me think over the next few weeks as I practiced for the show. I remembered after Vogue was a success, that I was no longer just a pop singer. I was a megastar. I was then being compared to Michael Jackson and the Beatles and Elvis. Nothing could go wrong. Then I wanted to press the envelope to the extreme. I wanted people to think and see how society could be more tolerant. I wanted to provoke. I released a book called "Sex" which was very sexual and had nudity. I released an album called "Erotica" that simply was a flop. 

People thought I went too far. I felt like I was being punished for expressing myself. This could be seen on the David Letterman show when I swore 13 times. People were not ready for this openness yet. There was a public hatred of me. Now I was paying for it. Everyone said my career was over. That was nearly 30 years ago. 

The award show came. I was called up to receive the award. 

"Madonna is the most successful female artist of all time. Her music has followed us all our lives. It touched us. Madonna was a pioneer. She reinvented the music industry. She has set the trends for decades. We can see her creativity in her videos, songs, music, and fashion. Madonna showed us all we can achieve what we want if we have ambition and drive"

I smiled and thanked my fans and God. I did not want to hold a speech. The only thing I could think about was my performance.   
The time for that came. I was on stage in front of millions of TV viewers. That is when everything went wrong...

_**To be continued** _


	3. Pain

The performance was a nightmare. I practiced a lot up to the performance because I wanted it to be perfect. However, I could hardly move around on stage because of pain. I started to dance but let out a huge groan as I felt pain in my hips. I knew things were going wrong and was not concentrating on my voice, It didn't take long for me to realize that the auto tuner made me sound like a broken vacuum cleaner. I was not at all focused. I was in pain and it was like I could not hit a tune. I looked out at the audience and seen some fellow celebrities look in shock. They just stared as if to ask themselves is this lady a legend. I wanted to stop, but my professionalism made me continue. 10 minutes of performing can be like hours!

Finally, the show was over. My staff came in and started trying to console me by saying that things were not that bad. I had my hands buried in my hands and was thinking how bad I looked on stage. I stood up and shouted at my staff. I told them that my fans will be disappointed. The media will think I am finished as a performer. I told them that over the last few years, I have listened too much to the suggestions and advice I gave. I lost my temper and threw things around the room. In the end, I told them that they were all fired. The only person that I wanted was my manager, that I had for years. 

Needless to say, the media spent a lot of space and time discussing bad performance. It was the usual things that they wrote. I was no longer relevant and the lack of talent was showing more and more. The main thing they wrote was that I was now old and I was becoming more and more desperate to get the attention I once had. The media agreed on one thing. I should have some dignity and grace and retire. 

I did not answer. I would hide for a few months and then do something so people knew that I had no intention of retiring. I would not comment on the performance. What could I say? I did my best but failed! That would make the media happy. They would love me to admit that the world no longer needed Madonna. 

I will admit over the next few days, that I was feeling sorry for myself and I did drink a bit too much. I didn't feel sorry for myself often, as I usually moved from one project to another project. Now I needed time to think about what I should do. Was my career over?

I expressed my frustrations over Instagram. I spoke about that I did not consider myself old. Why can male singers like Mick Jagger still be respected, even though they were old? Why did people expect women to retire? Why was I being punished because my body was getting old? I still had a young heart. Did people just expect me to fade away? 

I even got political. I talked about the election and the US needed a savior like Kennedy. I even talked about COVID 19 and I thought there was a conspiracy and the vaccine was already found. 

Needless to say, there was once again a huge response. Instagram even flagged my account for giving false information. I did not take this seriously. I took the reaction of my fans seriously. Some were very worried about my mental health. The most worrying were fans that said that they have supported me through many controversies and provocations. However, the new conspiracy one was too much. They thought I was now insane. As one fan said, "It's hard to see how desperate Madonna is and how low she can get."

My doctor came and confirmed what I already knew. After years of dancing and pushing my body to the limits, my hips were now damaged in some way. He warned me not to overdo my exercise or to dance too much. He would give me some pain tablets and told me I may need a hip replacement. The doctor also warned me to be careful of the medicine. It was very addictive and he did not want to read I had an overdose. He sighed as he remembered how Micheal Jackson and Prince died. 

I could see that there was something else he wanted to say. I told him he could be honest and I would not fire him. He told me I was at a stage where many were retiring. He knew that image meant a lot as a singer. The doctor told me that it was a cruel world. A person my age could still have so much to do and achieve, but because of old age, they would never get a chance. 

" I know getting old is hard for you," he said, "Your body can do less and less. You have pains. Your face starts to show its age more and more. Getting old can be graceful. However, your job does not accept it. It is a constant fight to look young. I know a person who you can speak with, that can help you adjust to being old."

I had to smile when the doctor said this. I smiled most of the day because of this. The doctor thought I should see a shrink. He was like everyone else thinking that I could not accept that my time was over. I was an old woman and there was no longer any need for me. 

Maybe I should retire. I had lots of money and the children and their ambitions were time-consuming. I also had my charity work in Malawi. Why should I subject myself to the constant criticism? I could be like Tina Turner, and just live for my family and enjoy their success. The problem is would I be happy? Would this be surrendering to the social norms and the pressure from others? 

This is not the first time that I was hated. There have been Madonna haters since my career started. When I released Erotica and the sex books in the early '90s, people said that I went too far and my career was over. It was a bit like it is now. However, I cleaned up my image and tried to show people that I was more than a provocateur and obsessed with sex. This nearly took a decade. I also gave birth to Lourdes during this time, so people now could see that I was a mother. This was just not a PR stunt. Lourdes did change me. She showed me how to think for others and just not myself. When I released "Ray of light", it was a huge comeback! 

My manager spoke with me shortly after the performance disaster. He admitted that things looked very dark for my career and he was not sure about a comeback. At the same time, we should not rule it out as I have done it before. My manager thought my main asset was my ability to reinvent myself. We had to use this to stage a comeback. I had to re-invent myself as the granny of pop, which was relevant and cool.   
"The problem is," he said, "The young generation do not know you. Some are asking who is Madonna and why is she even famous? Your fans are getting older with you. We need to show everyone who Madonna is and why she is considered the Queen of Pop. We need to show the younger people why you are a living legend"

In a way, my manager was right. Young people did not know who I was. I could do the same as other old stars. I could release a greatest hits on go on a greatest hits tour. This would be a success, especially a tour. However, I hated repeating myself. I wanted to always be doing something new. While it would be smart for the younger generation to get to know me. This would be boring and repetitive. I did not even like listening to my songs on the radio. I promised the manager that I would leave my personal feelings aside and think about it in a business matter. 

I fired all my staff after the disastrous performance. This gave me so much freedom. I felt that I once again in control. Since the beginning of my career, I have been in control. I began hiring young people, thinking they could adapt to changes, and young people do bring new ideas and inspiration. I am sure that they would tell me when I was wrong, but maybe I needed to learn how to listen to more advice and wonder why they are advising things. Can they see the limitations that I have?

My daughter Mercy wanted to speak with me. She is now 14 and was adopted from Malawi. She asked in a very careful way if she was a charity? I needed her to explain that. Mercy said that she knew she was adopted from Africa, but she read that I adopted her as a charity case and it was a way for me to get media attention. This made me sad. I was not sad because it was about me. God knows I have manipulated the media and they treated me both kind and bad. However, this time it went over an innocent teenager. 

I hugged Mercy and told her I love all my children. If anyone was blessed, it was me. My children treated me like a mother and have taught me how to share my love. They are more important to me than my career. Mercy looked at me and said it must be hard for me. She told me very few in her class knew who I was. She said those that did thought I was a desperate old woman, trying to compete with the younger singers. 

I knew that being a child of Madonna was not easy. My children would be confronted with things I have done in the past... especially sexual things. I am sure my children are embarrassed by some of the videos I have done. Another thing was that they never needed anything. They lived in luxury. This could be bad if they did not know how a real person lived and survived from one day to the next. 

This reminded me of when Lourdes left home to study. She did not want me to visit her school. Lourdes insisted she did not want all the attention being given to her. She did not want to be my shadow. I was proud of Lourdes. She wanted to do things her way and have success because she deserved it, not because of her mother. 

I have had a hard few months. I have been feeling old and I have worried about my career. I needed to live life, and not worry about it. I decided I would start by going to a party! This would give me energy for what was ahead of me. I needed to relax and let my hair down!

_**To be continued** _


	4. What to prove?

I always love a good party and this one was no exception. I felt so free when I was on the dancefloor. All my worries disappeared and I could just have some fun. I did not have to worry about my age or my career. I did not have to worry about if my dancing was perfect. This was where time stopped and I could smile and just have fun. Of course, my hip did hurt me and I could not dance as wild as I used to. I did not think about it. I just wanted a break and to have fun. 

I was back to the normal daily life the next day. My manager had an idea that I could do a duet album with artists I admire. He suggested artists like Elton John, Kate Bush. Annie Lennox, Billie Eilish, Lady Gaga, and Dua Lipa. I smiled at the idea and told him that it is fun working with others. It would be a great project and a fun project and could introduce some younger fans to me. I also tried a few duets before. They were nothing to remember. Who remembers the duet I done with Britney Spears? The manager was sure that this would be a success. I had my doubts. Would I be criticized for needing the support of other stars? I would not have full control. It would not be a Madonna project. 

When I was young, I did not have the ambition to be a pop star. When my career started, I wanted to be a dancer and do movies. I did try movies. Due to bad directors or bad scripts, most of my movies were also flops. Most even said that I was a bad actress. I remember how hurt and frustrated I was every time a movie flopped. I knew I could be a better actress and a success, I just needed the right script. 

This is why I worked so hard to get the role of Evita. It was an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical that would be made to a movie. I finally got the role of Evita. The film was hard and very demanding. To make things worse, I found out that I was pregnant with Lourdes. I did everything I could to prove that I could take a serious role like this. I even took singing lessons to improve my voice. It was not an easy film to do. I had to follow instructions all the time and the warm climate was not easy when you are pregnant. 

Evita was one of the highlights of my career. The movie was a success and proved that I could act. I even won a Golden Globe award. This was when my life was perfect. I had a huge success with a movie, and I was a mother for the first time!

I did not feel disgusted as I looked in the mirror a few days after the party. I felt sad. I remembered the people I met in my career. Many were now dead. Superstars like Michael Jackson, Prince, George Micheal, David Bowie, and Whitney. Others had a great career but their careers faded away. Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and Celine Dion are some names that I thought of. It was strange to think that I have survived this long. 

Now I was obsessed with saving my career and not getting older. I did not want to go down in memory lane. I knew that a lot of fans thought my songs from the '80s were my best. I also knew that if I did an album like True Blue or Like a prayer, it would please my older fans and most likely be a success. The thing is I wanted to try new things. I wanted to try the new things people were listening to and were not mainstream yet. 

Was I desperate? Could I not accept reality? I looked at women such as Annie Lennox that was always a strong woman and very talented. She did not try to be sexual and yet she still had her fan base. Annie did not seem desperate. She seemed very happy with what she was doing. She had the freedom to do what she liked. Maybe I needed to relax and just have fun. 

Rocco, my oldest son visited me. We had huge problems years ago. Rocco was a teenager and he has my ability to rebel. He thought that I worked too much and he hated when I went on tour. Rocco wanted to be with his friends and he wanted a stable life. He asked me if he could live with his Dad. I refused because I thought he should stay with me. I was worried about him. He tried drugs and was wild at times. Rocco deleted me on his Instagram and all hell broke loose. It ended that we had a very public custody battle. I felt like I was being judged as a mom and lost. 

Since then we have reconciled. Our relationship is very rocky. I do my best to try to understand Rocco. He had to live in the spotlight and he had a mom and dad that were known. Rocco thought I was too strict and he often did not like I spent so much time on my career. 

I tried not to think about any comeback or what I should do. Now I wanted to give my full attention to my son. I listened to his ambitions and plans. I had to smile because he reminded me so much about his father. Rocco was talented and wanted to try things. Now he was interested in modeling. I let Rocco tell about what he was doing and his plans and did not mention my career. I did ask him to let me know If I could help in any way. Rocco smiled and said he just needed my moral support and prayers. 

Rocco went so I decided to get exercise. I was proud of my children. They were not spoiled or evil. They were talented and they could achieve what they wanted. So where did I go wrong? I think things started going wrong when I released Hard Candy. This was a time when I wanted to work with the big shots and make something special. I think the music was good. However, the critics said it was not music that set trends, I was following what others have done and some thought I was trying too hard. 

Then I released MDNA. This was slammed as well. Even fans did not like it. They thought it was rushed and something any other pop star could do. Again I misjudged.

The next album "Rebel Heart" was supposed to be a comeback. I spent time doing it. I was proud of the music and it could have been big if it was not leaked. It was at this time where I had to hear how old I was. 

Maybe I should throw in the towel and retire. The problem is I am not like that. I am a fighter and I know I am not ready to retire. I was too stubborn.

A few weeks later, I was visiting my mother's grave. She died when I was 5 and this had such a big influence on my life. I lost some of my childhood as I had to deal with death and the concept of a cruel world. I had to be more responsible. I became more independent and protective of myself. I think it made me bitter and mad at the world and God for decades. A young girl needs her mother. 

I knelt at the grave and started crying. What would Mom advice me to do? I had everything I needed and yet I had anxiety attacks over getting old and my career going down the drain. I felt like there was so much more to do. My body was telling me it could no longer do what I expected. I imagined that if mom was alive now, she would be a wise grandmother, that was so relaxed and calm, and had the wisdom to share out to everyone. I imagine she would not be afraid of old age or being popular. I just needed her to tell me that everything will be OK. 

I don't know how long I was at the grave, It was Lourdes that woke me up. She looked worried and said it's about time that we talk. 

"Mom, you have been strange the last few weeks." she started, "I think I know what the problem is. You think the world thinks your too old to be at the top of the music industry. Let's face the facts. You are old. Your voice is not as strong as it was. Despite you still look great, you are no longer a spring chicken. Your body moans and aches every time you try to perform. Mother nature will have the last word, despite how many creams or operations you have. Young teenagers have idols they can identify with. They find it hard to identify with an old woman!"

I could have hit her. Lourdes was always good at being open and saying things the way she has seen them,

"What have you to prove?" she continued, "You are the best selling female singer of all time. You were at the top for 30 years. Other pop stars only have at most 10 years! You have seen the whole world and influenced so many. You have helped the world by fighting aids and asking for more tolerance and respect. You have helped countless children in Malawi. Besides all this, you were the best mom a child could have."

Lourdes looked into my eyes and said very slowly... " You have nothing to prove!"

I kissed my mom's grave and said thank you. Then I took Lourdes's hand and told her we should find the others and do something fun.

I knew what Lourdes said was true. I also knew that at times I would not accept it. However, I would pray to God to give me peace in my mind and the strength to accept changes in my life. 

I am old. This does not mean that life is over. It is right that I have nothing to prove. I could use my old age to do projects when I wanted and do the music that I wanted. I may never have a number one again, however, I would be having fun. I am sure when fans could see that I was having fun, they would as well. 

Besides my work, I was also a mother. I would never be too old for this job. I could be at my children's side as they lived their lives. 

I would also be there for my grandchildren. 

**The End**


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